no matter where I may roam

That Store is So Gay

2007-05-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I had a moment where I could of just literally died.

But then again it wouldn't of been so much fun.

I remember setting my eyes upon that store. I thought to myself “Wow. They actually have rainbow flags hanging out front.” I don’t know about you but for me the GLBT world when I actually see it in person seems more mythical than not. And oh by the way, I am an avid book junky. Take that back… book whore is more appropriate. I read like it’s no one else’s business. And really it isn’t. I expect and to a degree believe the things that I read, but for some weird twist, atleast for me, when I see it in person I go into the oh my gosh mode and can’t believe it’s before my eyes. Maybe it’s like when you see an artist in concert, he’s there but you can hardly believe he is before your eyes. Who knows. But my journey into the gay world took a new turn that day.

I was amazed to see everything in the store. They had the legendary handkerchiefs that men wear, or atleast use to, to advertise what they were or hoping to do. Every color that has ever existed under the sun laid before my eyes as handkerchiefs nicely folded and ready to be swiped up. The next thing I saw were the cards! Oh my gosh! Did you know they make raunchy gay cards just like they do for straight folks? I couldn’t help but to giggle. But dang it some of those men on those cards were HOT! Then there was the video isle. No not the porn isle. The video isle. I never knew there were so many gay movies, and no it wasn’t Just Another Gay Movie. ;) They actually had everything from mainline stuff (e.g., Priscilla & Brokeback Mountain) to the more obscure stuff. Wow. I took mental inventory that day. My queue on Netflix is going to be filled up for a while.

Then there was THAT room.

I felt scared at first to go in. Ok. Petrified. Had it not been for someone to go in first, I would have not gone in there. Oh my gosh did I turn so ever shade of red for what I saw in there! The clerk by the way at this point lifted his head from the counter and proceeded to come into the room. Maybe it was me gawking. Who knows. What I didn’t expect was an impromptu lecture on all things relating to gays, sex and toys.

I never realized that there was so much to know in this department! Its like you could get a ph.d. in dildos alone. Did you know there are different types of lubes and people can mix them together for different sensation? I didn’t. That day I felt like I was a little kid again sitting before the science instructor at one of the local science centers as they gave the wonderful demonstrations on the wonders of science. I was floored by what I was learning.

And that ladies and gentlemen was my first experience in a GLBT store. I never realized before that there was so much for us out there. It really is another world.

The Night Moved On

2007-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have you ever heard your heart thump? I have. And it’s not a pleasant sound.

A few years ago I would have laughed had anyone asked me if I would be living the life that I now am. Two years ago. One year ago. One month ago. One week ago. They all seem as if they pages from a story not my own.

Even now the darkness of the night seems so different.

The other night I was settling in from work when I set my bag down. It was so refreshing to be home. I couldn’t help but to breathe in the peace as I combed my hands through my hair for a bit. As with most days I find myself moving to the window to watch the world from which I escape. Slowly, I bring my hands to the glass and touching it gently. I could feel the temperature dropping steadily. The dew was forming quickly upon the seals. The change of the day was coming at last and night would be near.

I undid the silvery tie which draped from a black shirt upon my frame. Next with a twist of the finger, I slowly undid the buttons of the shirt till the garment flowed gently away from my body. For a moment I felt weird. I stood still. The last rays of the evening sun crackled past the pines to touch my face. The heat of the day bathed more than just my body but the depths of my soul with its radiant light. And for a moment, life seemed good.

As I turned from the window seal, I resumed the madness of this so-called life. I moved into the kitchen past the windows in the hall only to catch a glimpse. A glimpse of something naught. A glimpse of what I thought perhaps was a shade. Slowly and steadily I turned around. And I was alone. Had something been there, now he was gone. The reality of the matter was that I always was alone. And I guess thats how life has meant it to be. But yet, somehow, I felt different. Not as if my space had been violated. No. As if something had changed. I could taste in the air that familiarity of the day had vanished.

The night moved on.

That night I woke peacefully from sleep my sleep. The stirrings of night moved through my bones. I glanced from my pillow to see the radiating light of the moon piercing my room. It's gate, the window which captivated me so often, beaconed me. Not fully sure how but in the moment I was moved as if haunted to its frame. What called me? I do not know. But the whispers of the one calling in the witching hour was strong. I couldn’t help but to adore in ecstacy the beauty of the midnight sky. The moon was full, and I knew, the tide was high. The clouds were dancing as if to the beat of a thousand drums. I heard the waves crashing in the distance. Always a tell-tell sign of an impending storm. Yet I took solace in that moment, for then in that space and time I came to behold the majesty of that great queen in all her courts. In the splendor of her ways, clothed with silvery majesty, my soul began to sing the beauty of her name.

Through the darkness by her grace truth was seen. No longer was I the man that I was to be. I had become the man that I was meant to be.

Waiting, For Another

2007-03-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

“I am not saying don’t apply. Heck, do. Just all I am saying is that you might not be what they are looking for,” he says, without missing a beat.

Earlier in the week I received an email in regards to a resume I once posted on the internet; the funny thing was that I placed that resume out, well, over three years ago. My heart soared. I thought to myself, man things are really looking up. For you see, I found out only relatively recently that my current position with a non-profit is coming to an end. I thought this was the answer to my prayers.

Bewildered by the comment of my friend and once mentor, I shrugged.

“What exactly are they looking for?” I respond.

Grimacing, he speaks, though not knowing about my sexual orientation’ “Well he didn’t say it straight out. But, he expressed that his board wants someone who is married and has kids.”

Another one. Another job shot down the drain for something I cannot help. For you see, every job I have applied for in this general field, well it turns out always the same way. Very few individuals are willing to employ a single man, much less a gay man, to work with children.

From the self-induced high of seeing potentially so many of my dreams come to fruition; to the now, where my spirit sank.

“Cheer up pup. Maybe they just don’t know what they want yet.” He speaks gently.

For The Better

2007-02-26T03:26:00.001-08:00

Nearly every year from where I come, we would always have at least one hell of a big storm; whether it be hurricanes, nor’easters or whatever else might blow in. As always they would blow off the roofs, flood the streets, and well damn near destroy everything. The homes that once littered the water ways would be gone and or at least pretty well slammed. We never looked in the days proceeding the storms as a time to stop. No. As long as we had each other; that was all that mattered. We would rebuild again. This time better; for in the end we knew we had each other and that was all that mattered.

A while back I met this guy Hans. Hans was unlike most of the other guys I had ever hung with before. He blew into my life as quickly as certain storms come off the water. All you can do is pray and hold-on as you try to make it through. If you’re lucky, you won’t go down with the ship.

I met Hans off of one of the more popular chat-rooms. He seemed absolutely amazing to talk with at first. Both of us were what my friend Nooft would have called social whores. Right off the bat we would talk for hours at a time. It didn’t matter about what. We would talk about anything and everything; though almost always it would come back around to his current state of affairs in the wake of his ex-. In truth, I felt sorry for the guy. There has always been a part of me that just can’t help but to empathize with others, even the most unusual of strangers.

As time went on his quirks began to show-up. All that he ever wanted to do was to talk about his ex-. Honestly it came to a point where anytime I attempted to shift the conversation to something more positive, well he would seem astronomically offended. Well, there was one thing, one thing that would get him off the subject of his ex-; and that was his extracurricular activities.

Actually it was kind of exciting to hear about his adventures. Not even in my wildest of dreams do I believe I could have been as wild, carefree, and downright dangerous as he was in his spare time; nor do I think I would want too. Hans was the type of guy that when he entered a bar had every straight guy and queer staring at him; or at least he thought he was that guy. I never knew whether his sexual exploitations and dynamics were true or not, mostly because I have a policy of not sleeping with my friends; but I did always here that he was an amazing top. Being around Hans provided me a chance to see into another world that I would have never afforded myself. Indeed I am thankful for Hans for providing this “new” gay such mentoring. I learned so much from him.

As the weeks progressed, Hans became ever so depressed. His fascination with his ex- became ever more intense. To the point Hans lived in a state of self-induced torture. So with his permission I went to speak to his ex- to ask if there was ever a chance the two could be reconciled or the ex- may offer him some olive branch of peace. The answer from him was a resounding no.

The storm blew in from out of nowhere. Hans erupted in sheer anger for what he had asked of me to do. Within a matter of moments our friendship had been destroyed. I had not returned with the answer that he wanted; and because of that he lashed out. Whoever once made the joke about gay guys being drama queens was right; or at least in Hans case. Though in truth, I cannot say I did not see this coming. Honestly I appreciated a chance for the drama to be over with. As quickly as he had blown into my life, so to was he departed with a wake in his trail.

Life sense Hans has been like living in the aftermath of a storm. Some things got leveled and some things got damaged. I have heard it said that people come in to our lives for a reason. They bring to us something we must learn. I have heard it said that there are people who are like the leaves of a tree. They bring us joy and shade for season, but in time they fall away. In this affair I saw what was a leaf and believed it could be something more. Sadly I was wrong. Hans did indeed bring many valuable things into my life. And in truth, I have been changed for the better because of him. But in the end he was simply a leaf who was destined to fall away. For now, in the wake, I shall rebuild just as we would in the wake of any other storm; just this time it shall be for the better.

Baby Blue Eyes

2007-02-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

I woke-up so cold this morning and man was I feeling sick. And I made my way to the kitchen and poured myself a cup of sunshine before I’d hit the street. Running late, I cared not to offer an excuse.

Stepping in to the truck, I adjusted the rear view mirror only to catch the reflection of baby blue eyes staring back at me. I didn’t recognize them at first. They were so alien. So foreign. There was a heart on the line resting with those baby blue eyes. They were restless eyes. They were hurt one too many times. I breathed. These eyes once filled with innocence, have been lost. Maybe one day they will see the sign. As for today, not one will see the eclipse in these eyes of mine. For the cold now mingles with the light in these baby blue eyes.

Not Allowed

2007-02-23T18:52:00.000-08:00

Frustrated. So frustrated. There are times I wonder even why I am gay. Not like it’s a choice. God do I wish it was. Gay guys are so much drama. They will almost always leave you saying who needs or wants them.

But, in the end, I know, I do.

What lies they are willing to whisper in your ears. How marvelous are these tomes of bullshit philosophy they are willing to spill over on instant messenger. So deceitful. Absolute liars. All it seems, in the end, is to find some way to get us in the bed so that they can rip off our clothes. Such duplicity. It’s not fair to live in this mess when they go away.

There are days that I want to give up on finding love. But this is not allowed.

Thank you to all of those who have found love. You are an inspiration for us all.

The Book

2007-02-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

Last night it was quite cold and wet. When I placed my foot beyond the doors of my chevy, I took a deep breathe and felt the coldness of the wet night air. Maybe I should of grabbed the umbrella, but I just didn't feel like it. There was something about getting slapped in the face by the rain that reminds me that I am still alive. So I pulled tight the brown coat around my chest and pushed onwards into the rainy night.

It felt so good to be in a college town. There just seems to be something in the air when you are surrounded by youth. I don't know what it is, but it always makes me feel so alive.

I hadn't planned on the night turning out like this. For some reason my best laid plans, even if they are spur of the moment, gets shot to shit no matter how it goes. I wasn't going to let that get me down. Nothing was going to bring me down. Thoughts rushed in my mind on how I would find someway to make an evening of it. Then I saw it. I saw it. Ok so I have this problem with books. I see a bookstore and I just can't help but to lust. Go figure. Some people have feet, and well I have books. Why not. As the lightning crackled in the sky and the fog set in, I pushed forward through the rain to the doorsteps of the local Barnes & Noble.

Thoughts raced in my head. I couldn't help but to think that this would be such a great spot to checkout the gay lifestyle books. That is if I had enough balls to do it. You know this is Eastern North Carolina; a place not so friendly towards gays. As I surveyed the store trying to find the section I thought to myself that maybe if I was lucky I would bump into Mr. Right; for the moment I am just tired of Mr. Right-Now. Then it dawned on me that the reason why I drove all the way to Greenville was to talk to a guy who I am hoping could be Mr. Right. That still didn't stop me from checking out the merchandise though. There was this one older guy who you could definitely tell been giving himself some attention in the gym. His butt was to die for and his pecs weren't that bad either. Completely scrumptious.

Finally I make it over to the lifestyle section of the store. A thought flowed through my head of why was our section separated from other sections of similar topics? Just another case of keeping the gay man being kept down. I was nervous when I stepped by the section. "Oh crap" I thought to myself as I spied a college guy and gal poking fun at the book covers with their snide remarks. It just seems as if I can not go a day without hearing some sort of harsh remark about GLBTs in general. Homophobes. Who needs them. I edge my way to the adjacent sections of the lifestyles section. Comparative religion. Islam. Judaic Studies. Anthropology. I think to myself, "Dang it. No one here knows me." I finally kick myself in the inside to turn around and look in the GLBT section. Wow some of those books were rather racy to say the least. I quickly grab one and turn around. Nothing that spectacular but I was set on buying a book from there. Ok its a step. A step in coming out. I'll get there in time. Only within the past year have I come to terms with being gay. I had tried once before but eventually the timing and environment lead me into eight years of fundamentalism Christianity. Four years in a Pentecostal bible college and three years in seminary. But thats a story for another day.

I make my way to the cash register proudly holding this precious prize in my hand. Its nothing big and nothing that would straight out me. But for me it was everything. I placed it proudly on the counter to look up at this girl who must have been barely past the age of eighteen. She looks down and looks back up at me. She looks down again and back up at me. She grabs the book and with a small smirk on her face she rings me up. What a bitch. She tells me the price and ask if I would like the book in a bag. In my best southern way I smile at her and say "Oh yes, please. Thank you ma'am and could you put the receipt in there too." There is something about being from this part of the South that allows one to say the nicest things and be a complete biatch about it. Perfect example of this being our catch-all-phrase "Well bless your heart."

In the end, I emerged from the shelter of the bookstore into cold and lonely night; but this time the night was a little brighter. I now had a trophy under my arm.

On The Long Way Home

2007-02-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'd never thought I would be here. To come to my own and to find home at last. This enigma that lived locked away in the chambers of dreams became and is becoming both my breathe and touch. Now I walk upon this road of worlds knowing not fully where I go. So listen softly and you may hear the utterance of a prayers that flows from my lips. For in this ethereal light I shall tread patiently upon this and every other axis mundi.

O' Wandering Jew, tonight you are not alone; for in the twilight of forgotten night I am The Wayfaring Stranger.

I welcome you to my journey. No matter where I may roam, I shall find my home.