The Book

Last night it was quite cold and wet. When I placed my foot beyond the doors of my chevy, I took a deep breathe and felt the coldness of the wet night air. Maybe I should of grabbed the umbrella, but I just didn't feel like it. There was something about getting slapped in the face by the rain that reminds me that I am still alive. So I pulled tight the brown coat around my chest and pushed onwards into the rainy night.

It felt so good to be in a college town. There just seems to be something in the air when you are surrounded by youth. I don't know what it is, but it always makes me feel so alive.

I hadn't planned on the night turning out like this. For some reason my best laid plans, even if they are spur of the moment, gets shot to shit no matter how it goes. I wasn't going to let that get me down. Nothing was going to bring me down. Thoughts rushed in my mind on how I would find someway to make an evening of it. Then I saw it. I saw it. Ok so I have this problem with books. I see a bookstore and I just can't help but to lust. Go figure. Some people have feet, and well I have books. Why not. As the lightning crackled in the sky and the fog set in, I pushed forward through the rain to the doorsteps of the local Barnes & Noble.

Thoughts raced in my head. I couldn't help but to think that this would be such a great spot to checkout the gay lifestyle books. That is if I had enough balls to do it. You know this is Eastern North Carolina; a place not so friendly towards gays. As I surveyed the store trying to find the section I thought to myself that maybe if I was lucky I would bump into Mr. Right; for the moment I am just tired of Mr. Right-Now. Then it dawned on me that the reason why I drove all the way to Greenville was to talk to a guy who I am hoping could be Mr. Right. That still didn't stop me from checking out the merchandise though. There was this one older guy who you could definitely tell been giving himself some attention in the gym. His butt was to die for and his pecs weren't that bad either. Completely scrumptious.

Finally I make it over to the lifestyle section of the store. A thought flowed through my head of why was our section separated from other sections of similar topics? Just another case of keeping the gay man being kept down. I was nervous when I stepped by the section. "Oh crap" I thought to myself as I spied a college guy and gal poking fun at the book covers with their snide remarks. It just seems as if I can not go a day without hearing some sort of harsh remark about GLBTs in general. Homophobes. Who needs them. I edge my way to the adjacent sections of the lifestyles section. Comparative religion. Islam. Judaic Studies. Anthropology. I think to myself, "Dang it. No one here knows me." I finally kick myself in the inside to turn around and look in the GLBT section. Wow some of those books were rather racy to say the least. I quickly grab one and turn around. Nothing that spectacular but I was set on buying a book from there. Ok its a step. A step in coming out. I'll get there in time. Only within the past year have I come to terms with being gay. I had tried once before but eventually the timing and environment lead me into eight years of fundamentalism Christianity. Four years in a Pentecostal bible college and three years in seminary. But thats a story for another day.

I make my way to the cash register proudly holding this precious prize in my hand. Its nothing big and nothing that would straight out me. But for me it was everything. I placed it proudly on the counter to look up at this girl who must have been barely past the age of eighteen. She looks down and looks back up at me. She looks down again and back up at me. She grabs the book and with a small smirk on her face she rings me up. What a bitch. She tells me the price and ask if I would like the book in a bag. In my best southern way I smile at her and say "Oh yes, please. Thank you ma'am and could you put the receipt in there too." There is something about being from this part of the South that allows one to say the nicest things and be a complete biatch about it. Perfect example of this being our catch-all-phrase "Well bless your heart."

In the end, I emerged from the shelter of the bookstore into cold and lonely night; but this time the night was a little brighter. I now had a trophy under my arm.