That Store is So Gay

A few weeks ago I had a moment where I could of just literally died.

But then again it wouldn't of been so much fun.

I remember setting my eyes upon that store. I thought to myself “Wow. They actually have rainbow flags hanging out front.” I don’t know about you but for me the GLBT world when I actually see it in person seems more mythical than not. And oh by the way, I am an avid book junky. Take that back… book whore is more appropriate. I read like it’s no one else’s business. And really it isn’t. I expect and to a degree believe the things that I read, but for some weird twist, atleast for me, when I see it in person I go into the oh my gosh mode and can’t believe it’s before my eyes. Maybe it’s like when you see an artist in concert, he’s there but you can hardly believe he is before your eyes. Who knows. But my journey into the gay world took a new turn that day.

I was amazed to see everything in the store. They had the legendary handkerchiefs that men wear, or atleast use to, to advertise what they were or hoping to do. Every color that has ever existed under the sun laid before my eyes as handkerchiefs nicely folded and ready to be swiped up. The next thing I saw were the cards! Oh my gosh! Did you know they make raunchy gay cards just like they do for straight folks? I couldn’t help but to giggle. But dang it some of those men on those cards were HOT! Then there was the video isle. No not the porn isle. The video isle. I never knew there were so many gay movies, and no it wasn’t Just Another Gay Movie. ;) They actually had everything from mainline stuff (e.g., Priscilla & Brokeback Mountain) to the more obscure stuff. Wow. I took mental inventory that day. My queue on Netflix is going to be filled up for a while.

Then there was THAT room.

I felt scared at first to go in. Ok. Petrified. Had it not been for someone to go in first, I would have not gone in there. Oh my gosh did I turn so ever shade of red for what I saw in there! The clerk by the way at this point lifted his head from the counter and proceeded to come into the room. Maybe it was me gawking. Who knows. What I didn’t expect was an impromptu lecture on all things relating to gays, sex and toys.

I never realized that there was so much to know in this department! Its like you could get a ph.d. in dildos alone. Did you know there are different types of lubes and people can mix them together for different sensation? I didn’t. That day I felt like I was a little kid again sitting before the science instructor at one of the local science centers as they gave the wonderful demonstrations on the wonders of science. I was floored by what I was learning.

And that ladies and gentlemen was my first experience in a GLBT store. I never realized before that there was so much for us out there. It really is another world.

The Night Moved On

I have you ever heard your heart thump? I have. And it’s not a pleasant sound.

A few years ago I would have laughed had anyone asked me if I would be living the life that I now am. Two years ago. One year ago. One month ago. One week ago. They all seem as if they pages from a story not my own.

Even now the darkness of the night seems so different.

The other night I was settling in from work when I set my bag down. It was so refreshing to be home. I couldn’t help but to breathe in the peace as I combed my hands through my hair for a bit. As with most days I find myself moving to the window to watch the world from which I escape. Slowly, I bring my hands to the glass and touching it gently. I could feel the temperature dropping steadily. The dew was forming quickly upon the seals. The change of the day was coming at last and night would be near.

I undid the silvery tie which draped from a black shirt upon my frame. Next with a twist of the finger, I slowly undid the buttons of the shirt till the garment flowed gently away from my body. For a moment I felt weird. I stood still. The last rays of the evening sun crackled past the pines to touch my face. The heat of the day bathed more than just my body but the depths of my soul with its radiant light. And for a moment, life seemed good.

As I turned from the window seal, I resumed the madness of this so-called life. I moved into the kitchen past the windows in the hall only to catch a glimpse. A glimpse of something naught. A glimpse of what I thought perhaps was a shade. Slowly and steadily I turned around. And I was alone. Had something been there, now he was gone. The reality of the matter was that I always was alone. And I guess thats how life has meant it to be. But yet, somehow, I felt different. Not as if my space had been violated. No. As if something had changed. I could taste in the air that familiarity of the day had vanished.

The night moved on.

That night I woke peacefully from sleep my sleep. The stirrings of night moved through my bones. I glanced from my pillow to see the radiating light of the moon piercing my room. It's gate, the window which captivated me so often, beaconed me. Not fully sure how but in the moment I was moved as if haunted to its frame. What called me? I do not know. But the whispers of the one calling in the witching hour was strong. I couldn’t help but to adore in ecstacy the beauty of the midnight sky. The moon was full, and I knew, the tide was high. The clouds were dancing as if to the beat of a thousand drums. I heard the waves crashing in the distance. Always a tell-tell sign of an impending storm. Yet I took solace in that moment, for then in that space and time I came to behold the majesty of that great queen in all her courts. In the splendor of her ways, clothed with silvery majesty, my soul began to sing the beauty of her name.

Through the darkness by her grace truth was seen. No longer was I the man that I was to be. I had become the man that I was meant to be.

Waiting, For Another

“I am not saying don’t apply. Heck, do. Just all I am saying is that you might not be what they are looking for,” he says, without missing a beat.

Earlier in the week I received an email in regards to a resume I once posted on the internet; the funny thing was that I placed that resume out, well, over three years ago. My heart soared. I thought to myself, man things are really looking up. For you see, I found out only relatively recently that my current position with a non-profit is coming to an end. I thought this was the answer to my prayers.

Bewildered by the comment of my friend and once mentor, I shrugged.

“What exactly are they looking for?” I respond.

Grimacing, he speaks, though not knowing about my sexual orientation’ “Well he didn’t say it straight out. But, he expressed that his board wants someone who is married and has kids.”

Another one. Another job shot down the drain for something I cannot help. For you see, every job I have applied for in this general field, well it turns out always the same way. Very few individuals are willing to employ a single man, much less a gay man, to work with children.

From the self-induced high of seeing potentially so many of my dreams come to fruition; to the now, where my spirit sank.

“Cheer up pup. Maybe they just don’t know what they want yet.” He speaks gently.